My first Vipassanna

Dear Diary,

Hello, after a long time. I’ve just returned from Vipassana, and I’m at a loss for words to describe how I feel. Tears well up in my eyes as I write this, and I can’t help but feel that I am a different person, at least on the inside. I’m not sure how long this bliss will last, but I’m okay with it being impermanent. When I finally saw Mom, she had tears in her eyes too; she must have missed me a lot.

The retreat was held in Buddhanilkantha, a secluded and peaceful place surrounded by trees and the Shivapuri Hills to the north, with monkeys often making appearances. On the first day, during the group meeting, I experienced a profound silence that moved me to tears. It was beautiful; nothing, yet so profound.

Day two was challenging. My right leg ached so much that I wanted to run away. I thought, “This isn’t for me,” but I pushed through. By day three, the memories are a bit hazy, but day four introduced “Adhisthana”, strong determination. Not knowing I could adjust my posture, I endured an hour of discomfort, testing my limits. With deep breaths and the mantra “You can do it, Sneha” repeating in my mind, I managed to persevere. Tears flowed again—this time, from the sense of achievement. Over time, I allowed myself 2-3 posture changes per session, but sometimes stayed still throughout. This practice taught me that I can push myself to reach my goals. Strong determination, indeed!

One day, while meditating, I watched the clouds shift and realized the truth of “Anicca”, impermanence. The beauty of life lies in its ever-changing nature. The environment at the retreat allowed me to be myself without judgment, overthinking included. I cherished the 7 to 8 PM “prawachans” (discourses) for their simplicity and enlightenment. Guruji’s humor and relatable examples made profound concepts accessible.

At times, especially in the mornings, I wanted to give up and go home. But with determination, I stayed. Guruji’s teachings, such as “See reality as it is, not as you like it,” resonated deeply. Respond, don’t react. He emphasized that equanimity leads to happiness. No attachment, no clinging, no craving; no misery. Life is about sensations, and I hope to remain mindful of this truth.

My mind often strayed to anatomy (yes, I’m a nerd), and I marveled at the fickleness of thoughts. Sensations, such as pulsations, felt surreal; meditation is truly an art. I also thought about my dear friend Astha, whom I’ve come to cherish deeply. Though I haven’t told her, she holds a special place in my heart as my soulmate. I’m thankful for her presence in my life, as well as for Mili, who has always been there for me. I hope to ease their pain and encourage my family to experience Vipassana.

By the final day, when the noble silence was lifted, Astha and I spoke and nearly cried with joy. The silence had been profound, and though the chatter of others was lively, I missed the tranquility. On the eleventh day, during the final meditation in the Dhamma Hall, I felt an indescribable bliss. Volunteering to clean afterward brought unexpected joy. Service felt fulfilling, and we prepared the space for future participants.

I’ll miss the food, the serene breaks in nature, and the sense of inner peace. The stars, moon, and Venus felt closer than ever. One morning, I saw the full moon setting over a hill, and the next day, its craters were vividly visible. I often gazed at Sirius, Orion, and Gemini, and marveled at the green hills with patches of red trees. The sunrises and sunsets were breathtaking—a painter’s dream.

The retreat attracted people from diverse backgrounds, each with their own story. Many sought liberation from mundane life, and their journeys inspired me. This experience revealed a part of me that longs to detach and travel, though not as radically as Christopher McCandless. The beauty of liberation is captivating.

I hope everyone can experience Vipassana and find peace, even if only for ten days. Remember, Sneha:

• Both good and bad times are “Anicca” (impermanent).

• Respond, don’t react.

• Cultivate love and compassion for all.

• Happiness, sadness, peace, and chaos are within you—be the master of your mind, not its slave.

• See people and situations as they are, free from preconceived notions.

I’ll strive to continue this path of Dhamma, visit the retreat often, choose experiences over comfort, and nurture love for myself and others.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam (May all beings be happy!)

Sadhu!