4: 20 AM

I always wanted the rainbow, I always wanted that I make more discharges where I

can write “patient is improving and being discharged with the following advice”.

That is me reflecting my optimism in my profession.

Here I am at 4:20 am,

Making another death certificate.

Did I sign up for this?

I wanted to make improving discharge document with good goodbyes

But I am saying my last goodbyes to my patient with “May their soul rest in peace”

Did I sign up for this?

So this patient in particular, before going to bed

He tells me, “Doc, it looks like I am not gonna make it till tomorrow.”

And my optimism, “He will make it! “is something I told myself

And he didn’t after 4:20 am.

I had seen patients make it till many days without any food intake for so many days

No matter how much we have seen

I guess we can’t predict what life holds for us

It has always been heartbreaking to see how one diagnosis and that tag of cancer

changes people’s life and the life of their loved ones.

From someone who is trekking to mountains and always bound to mountain laps is

now bound to bed and those IV lines.

Someone who is always playing chess, even in their head is now playing a scenario

of his death and how their family is going to be after the demise every day like he is

waiting for the ticking time bomb which has a timer set but no one knows till when

Suffering is so inevitable.

Is life pointless?

If we are meant to suffer in the end, is it?

Am I living in another human hypocrisy,

Where I am letting Yin overpower the Yang

Can I ignore the happiness I had in good goodbyes

When I would have patients search and wait to just say “goodbye doctor, I am going

home” in excitement

That small gesture of family members who are happy to see me

Like they are happy to see their family during holidays despite the fact they have

their loved ones admitted

When people get discharged to their homes and leave the diagnosis at the hospital

How modern Medicine has helped patient live their life as they wanted despite

cancer.

The rounds where I am asking about their poop and fart and exchanging some

mundane stuff and giggling.

It has been a pleasure to feel that connection with the patient and their families and

have all those conversations.

I had always dreaded Oncology,

I never wanted to deal with sadness

But it has taught me that

Suffering is inevitable and it is important to accept it like we accept happiness

That life is short

So never take anyone, any opportunity, anything for granted

And that when I am taking morning and evening rounds, I don’t just ask how the

patients are

That I must ask how the family members are too

Probably working as a doctor in Onco taught me the “human side of cancer.”